The Best and Worst State Flags of The United States

Alabama

This is your idea, really, Alabama? The same sign you get when an image doesn't load on the internet? We're off to a bad start.

Alaska

Is that the big dipper and the north star? It's too sparse and random. Too unrealized, too much empty space. Looks like macaroni stained jeans. 


Arizona

A star coming over the horizon is nice. Warm colors there to represent the Arizona heat. A middle of the road flag for a middle of the road state. Solid.

Arkansas

Are you shitting me? This belongs on a pipe next to a gas station.

California

Now, aside from the fact you don't normally associate bears and California, this is a great flag. The bear says, "We don't even need to add any color to this flag because a bear makes it menacing enough." The word "republic" adds mystique and makes it seem like you're part of a club instead of a part of the brokest state in the country.

Colorado

I like this flag, too. It's got an art deco feel for some reason. It's a unique flag for a unique and uniquely American land. It's the perfect mix of simplicity and meaning, built from the ground up just like the state.


Connecticut

Grapes? That's what you're using to sell yourself?

Delaware

It's distinct, but still too royal old, money b.s. Plus the date at the bottom makes it look like a fax letter.

Florida

Tacky drawing, no oranges. Painting looks like someone just threw out the contents of a fast food trash bag onto the canvas of Alabama's shitty state flag.


Georgia

It's nothing much, but almost hits the right spots. You're okay, Georgia. I have nothing against you, Georgia, which is more than I can say for your neighbors.

Hawaii

What? British with an American sensibility? Who do you think you are, Hugh Grant?


Idaho

Colorful like some of the homes in Idaho. Small, simple, poignant, success.

Illinois

 I guess you're alright, but stop trying to be Mexico, Illinois. Bonus points for being all white.

Indiana

Dear god. This is more of an atrocity than their crime-riddled streets. Those sparking stars are meant to resemble gunshots in Gary, Indiana, right?

Iowa

This Iowa flag is so shit even their own eagle is ripping it apart.


Kansas

Ugly bright blue, ugly placement of everything. Stupid photo belongs on a package of butter. Get lost, Kansas.

Kentucky

While I appreciate the progressive depiction of two gay lovers shaking hands, this crest is the dullest mundane of bland.


Louisiana

Hideous seagull. Uglier than what they leave on your windshield.


Maine

I kind of like this one. It's bland and average but gets the job done. Wins the award for most mediocre state flag.


Maryland

This avant-garde piece of no good bullshit. Someone was trying way too hard here. Are you a racing flag or a deck of cards? Points for being from the future, but is an abstract painting no one would buy.


Massachusetts

The top of this photo has a phantom arm rising from the ground holding a sword. That's an insane, nonsensical, and violent image, perfect to inspire terror in your foes. If the entire flag were just that image, it might be the best state flag. Instead, it's the uninspired, worst state flag.


Michigan

I guess I like that Michigan included Sasquatch howling at the sky, but they're not a state in the Pacific Northwest, so that subtracts the points they would've earned for it. This flag just looks like they copied other states ideas and threw it together. Trash this flag, MI. And by that I mean leave it in Flint.

Minnesota

If you squint it looks like a gingerbread house in Candyland somewhere in the North Pole. I don't know, this one's just stupid. Replace this piece of trite with the cover for Fargo and you have my vote.

Mississippi

While the indication of race hate gives it an edge, they pussied out with the homage to the American flag. Pick a side, The South.

Missouri

I don't believe bears would behave in such a manner. Try harder next time, and include the arch.

Montana

While the painting looks like the product of a retarded kindergartner, the oversized state name sells me on it. It says, "We're Montana, and don't you forget it." At least it has the audacity to stand out, like the state's beautiful scenery.


Nebraska

Pleasant, olde tymey, complex in a mild sense. Trains, hard work, rivers, mountains, homes, trees. Only three colors. Subtlety. Not bad, Nebraska.

Nevada

Actually, this is the worst state flag. It's mostly deep blue, the most overused state flag color. This is borderline your average Suicide Girl tattoo. There should be a flag burning law for this flag. A law that mandates if you do not burn this flag, you will be fined.

New Hampshire

MS paint quality photo surrounded by cliche.

New Jersey

Overwhelming tan color, against the grain in that respect. I've never been, but based on what I've heard, I can safely say this is the only good thing about the state of New Jersey.


New Mexico

Simple and distinct. Warm colors for a warm state. Yes.


New York

Frenetic and meaningless, like the people who live here. Really, a smiley face on your sun? Go fuck yourself.

North Carolina

Lazy. What is this, the product tag for a pair of Wrangler jeans?


North Dakota

Might've been nice if they used an eagle that wasn't a mentally ill, enraged psychopath. Someone get this bird some Ritalin.

Ohio

Plus one for the audacity to change your flags shape, but this is what you'd pick if you had been bashed over the head like most of their middle class has experienced, so while a fitting flag, it's still stupid.


Oklahoma

Dreamcatcher made of used tampons. Oklahoma seems like it would be a cesspool. Here's how you improve this flag. Same everything but instead of the dreamcatcher put the Walmart star. That way at least it's accurate.


Oregon

Letters got that done-by-hand, DIY aesthetic. Oregon trail homage. Thrifty and tacky and in a good way. All representative of the state. Good stuff.

Pennsylvania

What is this a kids show?

Rhode Island

Yellow on white? No wonder this state's small and insignificant.


South Carolina

Couldn't decide whether to puke or sob, so I'm doing both.

South Dakota

A place lost between retro and modern. The drawing's nice but incorporated poorly. Black and white plus turquoise and yellow? Shivers. You know a place is bad when they have to advertise their one remarkable tourist attraction on their flag itself.

Tennessee

I like that it's simple yet distinct, and that it looks like a bowling bowl. It's just too immersed in the idea of trying to be patriotic to care about.

Texas

Simple, but stale. The Texas flag should just be a silhouette image of a pickup truck towing a large steak.

Utah

Eh, I want a state flag not a stock Old Navy t-shirt. Needs more polygamy.

Vermont

I've reviewed this same stale blue flag with a shitty crest at least 10 times so far. I cannot discern different forms of bland at this point.

Virginia

There's a tit, a murder, a dildo, and I'm still not impressed. Go back to the drawing board.

Washington

I didn't love this flag at first but it's great, if only for switching up the god damn color. The green's a subdued green, and it's the same impression you get as you enter and leave the state. They built some city in the middle of endless forest. This is hot shit in the flag world, gentlemen.

West Virginia

Looks like a pro slavery poster, with artistic appeal to match those ideals.

Wisconsin

This is the plain blue flag done right. In your face state name. Well drawn farmers. That working class Americana stuff is written all over this one. You could replace "1848" with "motherfuckers" and it would be the same thing, that's how bold this flag is.

Wyoming

I have a soft spot for buffaloes, and that's pretty much all you remember about the scenery of Wyoming. Though I suppose you should add a huge pile of excrement next to it. Dig it? I dig it.

Best state flags:

1. Colorado
2. California
3. Washington
4. New Jersey
5. Wisconsin

Runner-ups: Illinois, Wyoming, Oregon


Worst state flags:

1. Connecticut
2. Florida
3. Nevada
4. Kentucky
5. North Dakota

Runner-up: North Carolina

Decided ultimately grapes are the worst. Seriously, grapes?