Scholars With Disproportionately Attractive Wives

Above is a photo of intellectual heavyweight author Salman Rushdie and his former wife Padma Lakshmi. Look, ain’t no one trying to fuck Salman Rushdie, plus he writes books about magic realism

The question is, is it responsible and moral for public intellectuals and scientific minds to fuck far outside of their league? The answer, is no. It’s legal, but so is adopting a pet pig and cooking it into bacon. But is right?

Inquiring minds the world over aspire to improve mankind with invention, insights, experiments, and progress. Poor children in Sudan blood sacrifice their moms for a shot at learning in M.I.T., or having access to a keyboard, or a book, any book, a Bill O’Reilly book, or Jewel’s poetry. Good young girls and boys everywhere are not just starved physically, but intellectually for higher thought. And the world’s leading figures so often let these would-be geniuses of tomorrow down by having incredibly fuckable supermodel wives.

Did Salman Rushdie deserve the holy murder sanctioned against him in a Fatwa? In my opinion, yes, but not for anything he wrote in The Satanic Verses. Now, fucking that pristine woman out of his league is a true holy crime. In no reality other than an extremely corrupt capitalist society could Mr. Rushdie achieve a turgid erection and pound it repeatedly into the living Indian Disney princess that is Miss Lakshmi, porking her sloppily like a chef stuffing garlic, spices, and onions into a never-ending line of turkeys. And don’t get me wrong capitalism is great but come on, something must be done to curtail its most grandiose excesses, such as Salman Rushdie defiling this most remarkable of God’s endless creations.

Personal appeal: You’re smart, Rushdie, stop abusing your power to copulate with top shelf babes despite your Best Buy assistant manager looks. You’re making reality stranger than magic realism.

Who is this? The name’s Lalla Ward. She’s the type of beautiful 70s girl too pretty for even the Manson family to try to kill. Supposed moral beacon and public intellectual Richard Dawkins exercised his selfish genes, and probably propagated them, roping in this top notch babe. How “intellectual,” Dick. Why don’t you try humping someone in your own attractiveness bracket? Much like his study of the genome this guy played his environment for the highest statistical advantage to bag this divinely-ordained woman whose entire perfect, intelligently-designed existence casts doubt on every argument in The God Delusion.

How do you mend intelligence with disproportionate attractiveness? Only with sinister evil you try to justify with references to chromosomes and high science.

Even smart man Stephen Fry does it. Come on, Steve. You have this half-your-age eye candy, is it really right? Is it proper for an elderly man to have at his side such an undeniable, delectable twink? Here you have a poor young man and comedian, who anyone, gay or straight, would without question douse in whipped cream and various berries before achieving untold levels of orgasmic bliss with his warm or cold torso and you think your excellent docu-series Stephen Fry In America makes it alright? No, Stephen. Bad Stephen.

Last is philosopher Slavoj Zizek. This man committed crimes against humanity upon marrying Analia Hounie. He is ordinarily seen as an under-dressed panhandler with corn oil and sweat-stains permeating most every inch of his attire. He cannot speak a coherent sentence and seems to have the world’s most brutal cocaine addiction. When not writing insufferable commie ramblings he is putting to suffer women of all types, convincing them with his absurd arguments or perhaps more likely, his wallet book.

Personal appeal: Show some ethics, Zizek. I know you’re already divorced most likely, but have you paid a penance? An attractive young women had to do for you what not the most depraved pornstar would do in exchange for pain-killers and the down payment on a Hollywood bungalow.

More than anything, social reform, feminist and racial issues, we need to address the epidemic of public intellectuals and others fucking far out of their league. How are we to trust Nobel and Pulitzer Prize winners if they don’t display the bare essentials of ethics and not fuck the free-will out of scantily-clad, ravenous, U.S. minted, arousal-inducing fuckmachines? They must be held to their own standards, re-calibrating these psycho-sexual forces onto their fellow colleagues in their own age group and of similar intellect from the abundance of options available in the STEM fields.